I can't even begin to imagine the pain of letting go.
It just seems like such a twisted thought. Nevertheless, practical, still just so twisted.
The elevated heartrate defined my thoughts more than my words that night. One of the very rare occasions when my mind decided to numb out. It not only went blank of thoughts concerning the present, I couldn't even begin to picture myself in the future, as they say. It was a hard long night, perhaps one of the longest in these 24 years that I've survived.
Yes, survived. And yet I say, it was the longest. That must surely mean something.
And, it did.
I was enamoured, like in a block of snow. I felt naked. It was the one last shot that had done it. BANG! And, gone forever.
And even though it was the damned illness that killed her, I still blamed myself.
For, couldn't I have done anything to change the trauma filled curse of a life she was entrapped in all this while? I circled the world, gaining experience, illustrating my short-lived happiness to people who meant nothing. Hiding in a robe of guilt. An utterly dirt-drenched robe, now.
And, yet knowing all that I always did, here I was. Shaken seeing the truth, being a part of it. Numbed out at the thought of being such a failure to her.
I had failed her. But so much more than that, I had failed myself.
And this will stick with me for life. For as long as I decide to be a party to this big ball of pretentious clique of 'humans'.
And her voice suddenly rang in my head, like it was part-coloured now. Just like a game of chess, I was half her and half me. She was embedded in my soul. And her thoughts, in my mind. Meddling with my words, it said, 'I told you so.'
My heart was tainted, so was my mind, with the rest of my life.
And I knew, there was no letting go..
 |
| *I am not always this sane, But I see something is wrong, Feeding on my sinful stint, Only if I had a chance..* |
